As you may (or may not) know, my beloved home town will be hosting two world leaders on Monday. Yep, the Evil Emperor of the East and his Fanboy are meeting up in Helsinki. Of course, this is nothing extraordinary, given that Finnish presidents have always been moonlighting as facilitators between the two superpowers.
Anyway, I thought this would be the perfect time to take a look at what’s going on in world politics. Or vent my frustrations, whatever…
Please note that reader discretion is advised: if you’re not familiar with the meaning of the word sarcasm, do not read further.
So, let’s have a brief look at the 3 most prominent trends in world politics, and draw our conclusions (you didn’t think I’d skip this opportunity to express an opinion, did you?):
The motto: Cake means cake, even if it looks more like fudge
Cakeism relies on the retro appeal of the long-lost empire and in-your-face self-importance. As the name suggests, the core tenet of the ideology is claiming ownership of all the cake and picking all the cherries, while demanding someone else to foot the bill.
To achieve their objective, cakeists rely on traditional bi-polar cherry-picker negotiating tactics: playing the victim while sending extensive wish lists and/or thinly veiled threats to their negotiating partners.
This strategy requires a good dose of bumbling old-school charm and good-humoured condescension to efficiently communicate the cakeists’ negotiating terms to their partners: the negotiating partner is of a lesser value by default, and should therefore not expect reciprocal listening skills.
If the opponent negotiating partner refuses to surrender all the cake and hand over all the cherries, cakeists suggest using a purpose-built humanoid bot to hypnotise them into submission by repeating a selection of ‘power words’ – cake means cake, bold and ambitious – on a loop.
The verdict: Sorry, we’re all out of cherries. But hey, the fish! With blue passports!
The motto: Mentor wanted for a Dictator-in-Training
For the Apprentice Dictator, politics is the world’s best-rated prime time reality show. And he does anything to stay on top and keep the viewers voters interested and tuning in day after day. So, creating some drama is a must.
Fortunately, the Apprentice Dictator is a quick learner and can easily adopt the latest fads within the target audience. So, he copies his diplomatic skills from a sulky pre-teen and ideology from whatever is trending with the boys in the basement. And the constant eliminations of contestants staff, thanks to the ground-breaking ‘revolving door hiring and firing policy’, keeps both the cast staff and viewers voters on their toes.
And if all else fails, the star of the show can always provoke an international incident by insulting a leader of a lesser nation. This also has the added bonus of increasing nationalist fervour, and ratings, among the Apprentice Dictator’s target audience.
But what the Apprentice Dictator really wants, for the second season, is to find a mentor who could help him get into the Cool Dictators’ Gang. Because the Apprentice Dictator knows that in spite of his constant boasting everybody knows that even though his ego is bigger than his IQ, he’s not a Real Dictator.
The verdict: This show is getting worse and worse by each episode, they should just cancel it.
The motto: Jedi-Master Emperor is watching you
The Jedi-Master Emperor has achieved everything the Apprentice Dictator covets: total control of his adoring subjects, the power to get rid off pesky dissidents, and his very own media to guarantee that his version of the past, present and future is the only one available.
Master of mind games, The Jedi-Master Emperor uses the good old-fashioned divide and conquer tactics to strike fear into the hearts of both his own subjects and his more diplomatic neighbours. With his army of useful idiots, both foreign and domestic, he is quick to react when the opportunity arises and can spin any event or narrative in his favour.
To keep his own subjects toeing the line, the state-sanctioned propaganda machine media, troll army citizen activists and fifth columnists foreign friends all repeat the current dystopian narrative that the Supreme Leader has requested. The loyal subjects can rest easy, though, even though The Mighty Empire is always under siege by malevolent foreign powers, as the Emperor himself, now rebranded as a self-styled semi-god, will be there to save the day once more. Right after he’s finished posing shirtless for his new publicity stills.
Fortunately, all is not gloom and doom in the Empire. The Jedi Master Emperor loves a good show, be it a parade to show off his toys to piss off lesser, wannabe dictators, or allowing his subjects to shower him with love in elections where he can count on at least 120% of the votes.
The verdict: This shit again? Seriously? Doesn’t anyone study history anymore??!!??
So, that’s it, the trend report on world politics. Gloomy stuff, the world is going to hell and all that…
Yes, we seem to have an unfortunate number of incompetent idiots and/or raving lunatics occupying leading positions in the world right now, all of them hell bent on ‘defending’ their little corner of the sandbox by throwing dust in the eyes of their allies/opponents (depending the mood of the moment).
Unfortunately, they tend to forget that in the end it’s a futile exercise as we’re all stuck in the same sandbox with no way out, and the dust they try to blow away will just come back to haunt them…
What’s your view on world politics?
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