Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Let's Talk: Rebranding Politics

political satire

BREAKING NEWS:

The following draft memo was leaked to us by an anonymous member of Nobody’s Bitch hacktivist group: 

DOUBLETHINK REBRANDING AGENCY

DRAFT MEMO
for internal discussion and comments only 
    
TO: all Doublethink consultants
CC: Newspeak Media Ltd.
FROM: Doublethink Rebranding Services
SUBJECT: the upcoming global networking event

The Preliminary Programme 
for the International Populist Summit:
The Populist Toolkit’

PANEL DISCUSSION:  
THE IMPORTANCE OF BRANDING AND PACKAGING YOUR PRODUCT TO SUIT THE NEEDS OF YOUR TARGET MARKET

GUEST SPEAKERS:

Weazel von Toff, the acclaimed author of Showmanship and Opportunism:  How to Connect with Your Target Audience. The Modern Populist’s guide to dressing and talking like the ‘man of the people’

Moptop Simpleton, motivational speaker and the author of The Turncoat Manual: I Want to Have My Cake And Eat Yours, Too. The practical guide to adjusting your vision to the changing mood and situation.

Braggart Pantzonfire, the Marketing Manager of It’s All About Me Inc., and the author of Rebranding ‘the Elite’: Rich White Men as Born-Again Victims of Just About Anything and Anyone. Currently casting his upcoming reality show Who’re We Gonna Piss Off Today?

LECTURE: HOW TO CONTROL MAINSTREAM MEDIA

More established autocrats defenders of democracy have of course made appropriate arrangements to ensure unlimited access to sympathetic impartial media, either by acquiring the majority holding of a major broadcasting corporation or by establishing their own media outlets (for anyone interested, we still have a few tickets left for the seminar hosted by His Moodiness Emperor Big Ego of One State on The New Art of War: From Trolls to Little Green Men, scheduled for next spring)

However, aspiring demagogues anti-establishment challengers do not have to settle for being at the mercy of mainstream media. In this once-in-a-lifetime lecture, Mr Braggart Pantzonfire shares his award-winning methods for taking charge of his own narrative and controlling media exposure. The topics include:
  • The art of the 140 character temper tantrum: how to assume and maintain a victim identity to deflect attention from controversial issues and decisions
  • The loose cannon method: how to use targeted hate-speech to maximise media exposure and elicit a positive consumer response within the target market
  • The best marketing strategy for maximising the added value your elected position can bring to your business interests.

Make sure to sign up early, as this lecture is sure to be a hit!

WORKSHOP: REBRANDING SYMBOLS AND LANGUAGE

Mme Marianne Faux-Nouvelle will be discussing her ongoing work on updating Liberté, égalité, fraternité. The new version of the product will be better suited to help her core customers express their freedom more effectively, by allowing them to proudly come out as more equal than their brothers (see the Newspeak Media practical manual, Rebranding Democracy, for more information on the colour-coded system for classifying various market segments).

We will also be assessing the consumer response to some recently rebranded terminology, such as ‘democracy’ (i.e. actively exhibiting and encouraging extremist refreshingly outspoken views, actions and language when it suits our agenda the needs of our target consumer segments) and ‘freedom of speech’ (which, thanks to the tireless efforts of our staff, now covers all heartfelt, genuine expressions as long as they are based on purely subjective, biased emotions without the diluting influence of facts). Note to our unpaid minions highly talented interns: how f*#*ing difficult can it be to find someone to hack into Wikipedia and replace the outdated terminology?!?

The Emotional Narrative Helpdesk will be on hand to offer assistance to anyone struggling with rebranding tired, old terminology or in need of a little boost with their personal narrative.

DISCLAIMER:
All characters and events are fictional. The writer cites The Simpsons, South Park, Scandinavia and The World, George Orwell and Yevgeny Zamyatin as her literary inspirations and role models for this piece.

The writer is not in the least worried about hurting the feelings of populist politicians. Given the type of language populists promote in political discussion, the writer assumes they should find this piece quite refreshing and delightfully outspoken. However, the writer acknowledges that some readers may be somewhat unfamiliar with concepts such as sarcasm and satire, and therefore this piece may provoke some adverse reactions. In case the reader wants to object to this piece, perhaps saying something in the lines of “That’s so unfair”, the writer has this helpful piece of advice to offer: “Stop being such a big baby. Grow up and get over it!” More extreme reactions will be dealt with as follows: abusive comments will be deleted; threats to the writer’s physical safety will be reported to the appropriate authorities and/or the perpetrator’s wife/girlfriend/significant other/mother, and the IP address where the threat in question originated from will be published here and all over the internet.


ABOUT THE WRITER: 
The writer is a (not very successful) wannabe capitalist, an advocate and a beneficiary of the equal opportunities afforded by the Scandinavian welfare state and the 4 freedoms of the European Union, and a gorgeous tall blonde. Because the writer is not a populist, only one of the above statements is a lie.

More posts in this series:  thoughts on 'snowflakes' and the post that explains what this series of posts is all about.

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4 comments

  1. OMG, I had to read this twice! I love it!!! - http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Interesting post!

    http://julesonthemoon.blogspot.it/

    ReplyDelete

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